May
May is almost over. May is a month I look forward to for the warmth and beauty it usually provides. And when I was in school, it meant school was almost over. May seems to be happy for everyone and I love watching and hearing the birds again. I love the green that is all around me and the blossoming that is happening or about to happen.
May was a month I anxiously waited for in 2001. May 11th was the day Shawn and I decided to be married and sealed for eternity. May 11th was an incredible day and couldn't have been any better. We looked forward to celebrating each of our anniversaries.
I never imagined having to celebrate our anniversary without Shawn here. But that is my new normal. This year, I decided to squeeze into my wedding dress and go to the cemetery. My best friend was supportive and came with me and took lots of great pictures. Standing over Shawn's grave in my wedding dress made me reflective of the great things that have transpired since his tragic and surprising death. I have learned there is good in all things. It is easy to forget to look for the good when our hearts are hurting and aching so much. I can testify of Heavenly Father's love, support, and compassion. I know I am His daughter and I know He has helped me and given me numerous tender mercies. He couldn't stop what happened, but He helped make it as soft for me as He could. I know He has His hand in our lives much more than we know or recognize.
Mother's Day always fall in the month of May. I started celebrating Mother's Day for myself as a mother myself when I was pregnant with Sage. I never had the opportunity to celebrate Mother's Day with her here. Mother's Day is a day that stings.
I am grateful my mother is here and I can honor her. Each year I think of my best friend and how painful that day must be for her and her siblings as they don't have the opportunity to see and talk to their mom. There is pain in life for everyone in many different ways. I hold on to the knowledge that I get to be with my daughter again someday and have the opportunity to raise her and get to know her. I have had a couple of sacred experiences of visits she has made to me here since she died and I am grateful for those.
May is almost over and I made it through once again. I am grateful for the sting May brings each year because without the sting there is no love. I continue to love and miss my family and pray they will continue to be with me.
