It's back to school week, and just like in the years past, my heart is hurting extra. Since Sage's death, I have always felt that a part of me is missing and that my arms are hollow. This week would have been a first for Sage, Shawn, and me as she would have been a freshman in high school. I would've taken her back-to-school shopping watching her pick out new clothes and shoes for the school year, I would've answered her questions about what high school was like for me, and I would've told her that she will do awesome.
I have tried to explain in prior blog posts that my forgiveness toward the man responsible for Shawn and Sage's death has been a journey. At first, it was a path I didn't want to take as I thought I had every right to never forgive him. Finally, after seven years of feeling so much animosity toward my greatest enemy, I realized those feelings that were consuming me were only destructing me and not him. When I finally extended forgiveness, I felt free. I didn't realize at the time that it was a journey that would be filled with potholes I would have to climb out of again and again. This week, I have been in a pothole. A pothole filled with jealousy as I see back-to-school pictures on social media of my friends' kids with their backpack on and holding up fingers to express what grade they are in. Sage only remains the five month old baby she was the last day I saw her.
This blog post is not asking for any sympathy. It is just being real. This is what this time of year feels like for me as kids finish their summer fun and return to school. Everyone has their own unique life experiences. Mine consists of missing my daughter each and every day and choosing to forgive the man that killed her. But today, I hate him. Today, I feel deprived. He has made it so I miss out on a lot of experiences I dreamed of having. I wish I could've heard what Sage's first day of high school was like.
Taking a break from social media for the rest of this week seems like the perfect recipe to comfort my aching heart. And after I feel I have lingered in my anger and madness toward the drunk driver for what I feel to be adequate, I am sure I will forgive him once again so that the peace and comfort will return replacing the darkness I have let take its place.
Enjoy those moments with your children and know how lucky you are to kiss them every single day.